Thursday, March 26, 2009
Words of Wisdom
Beer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN...against walls, tables, chairs, floors and ugly people!
Anthrax Scare
The Detriot Lions football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours in Detriot.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
Why Women Should Avoid Girls Night Out After They're Married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started upand cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started upand cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Harry the Eagle
Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while, when she didn't return, he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but, since there weren't any lady eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest . Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
No, the duck didn't say 'THAT'.....
Don't be SO disgusting. !
The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE , you made a MISTAKE !!!
Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while, when she didn't return, he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but, since there weren't any lady eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest . Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
No, the duck didn't say 'THAT'.....
Don't be SO disgusting. !
The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE , you made a MISTAKE !!!
Mental Hospital
I was walking past the Mental Hospital the other day and all the patients were in the yard and shouting, '13 ... '13 ... 13.'
The fence was too high to see over but I spotted a small hole in the one of its wooden planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Then, some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started shouting, '14 ... '14 ... '14!!!
The fence was too high to see over but I spotted a small hole in the one of its wooden planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Then, some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started shouting, '14 ... '14 ... '14!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Hearing Problem
An old man was worried about his wife's hearing. One morning he was having
coffee with the town doctor.
'I'm concerned about my wife's hearing, Doc. Anything I can do for her?'
The doctor replied, 'How bad's her hearing?'
He said, 'What do you mean? How do I judge that?'
The doctor said, 'Well, go home and find out how far away from her you have to be before she hears you. That will give us an idea of how bad her
hearing is.'
So the old man went home. The windows of his house were open and he could smell the dinner that his wife was cooking. Knowing she was in the
kitchen, he yelled, 'HONEY, I'M HOME. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?' He listened for her reply . . .Nothing.
So he went to the screen door at the front porch. 'HONEY I'M HOME. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?' He listened . . . still he heard nothing.
He stood in the doorway of the kitchen. 'Honey I'm home. What's for dinner. . . again he heard nothing.
'Poor girl, he thought.' He walked over to her at the stove, embraced her from behind and said, 'Honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?'
She slammed down a pan on the stove and said, 'For the fourth time . . . macaroni and cheese!'
coffee with the town doctor.
'I'm concerned about my wife's hearing, Doc. Anything I can do for her?'
The doctor replied, 'How bad's her hearing?'
He said, 'What do you mean? How do I judge that?'
The doctor said, 'Well, go home and find out how far away from her you have to be before she hears you. That will give us an idea of how bad her
hearing is.'
So the old man went home. The windows of his house were open and he could smell the dinner that his wife was cooking. Knowing she was in the
kitchen, he yelled, 'HONEY, I'M HOME. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?' He listened for her reply . . .Nothing.
So he went to the screen door at the front porch. 'HONEY I'M HOME. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?' He listened . . . still he heard nothing.
He stood in the doorway of the kitchen. 'Honey I'm home. What's for dinner. . . again he heard nothing.
'Poor girl, he thought.' He walked over to her at the stove, embraced her from behind and said, 'Honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?'
She slammed down a pan on the stove and said, 'For the fourth time . . . macaroni and cheese!'
The Receptionist
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Classifieds
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
New High School Exit Exam...!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below..
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years (1337 to 1453)
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
(Incas were the first to use the Toquilla plant to make them and the tradition continues)
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?Dogs (derived from the Latin term Insula Canaria, meaning Island of the Dogs)
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert (full name Albert Frederick Arthur George Windsor)
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand (aka the Kiwifruit!)
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.
Incredible Puzzle
THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down ....................
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
It so easy to amuse old people.
Flooding in Ireland
If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will.
We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans...
This award-winning photograph, snapped by Irish Times photographer Rory O'Grady, captures the horror and suffering caused by the recent flooding in County Kerry ....
Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers………
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We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans...
This award-winning photograph, snapped by Irish Times photographer Rory O'Grady, captures the horror and suffering caused by the recent flooding in County Kerry ....
Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers………
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Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sometimes...
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ...
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ...
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
The Mexican Day of Mourning, May 5th
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
Secret of Life
A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!
What is your secret?"
"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Twenty-four," she replied.
What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.
"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Twenty-four," she replied.
Driving with Grandma
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head the whole time we were out!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head the whole time we were out!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Prohibition
If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started)
and came upon the following poster........
and came upon the following poster........
Would you quit drinking?
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
Sorry about this....I'm an idiot and I needed company...
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
Sorry about this....I'm an idiot and I needed company...
Anybody Home?
A Flatlander from Illinois was hiking through the woods of the U.P. when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.
Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Golf Lessons
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu@#ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu@#ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
Golf Statistics
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon .
Kind of makes you proud.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon .
Kind of makes you proud.
Hazards of Aging
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought..........but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought..........but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS.......but I was wrong too.
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought..........but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought..........but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS.......but I was wrong too.
God's Problem Now
The graveside service had just ended, when there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly,
"Well, she's there."
The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly,
"Well, she's there."
Detroit News
Green Bay Police today reported finding a body in the Fox River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Green Bay Packer jersey.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the Green Bay jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Green Bay Packer jersey.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the Green Bay jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
To my Drinking Friends
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Scared the shit out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Speaking of Re-unions...
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new Dentist.
I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, who had been in my High School class some 40 odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?", I asked.
He asnwered, "In 1965, Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit Son-of-a Bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, who had been in my High School class some 40 odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?", I asked.
He asnwered, "In 1965, Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit Son-of-a Bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Oklahoma Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Water vs. Wine
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering andor fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering andor fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Moving Story About Trust
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that s everal times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant looked at Mbembe as if could see straight into his soul.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound forPittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh',so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh',so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.
The Chicken, the Horse and the Harley
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer.
Off the chicken ran looking for help, but realized the farmer had gone to town on the tractor. Running around, the chicken sees the farmer's new Harley. He finds the keys in the ignition. The chicken speeds off (with rope) hoping he still has time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was happy to see the chicken arrive on a shiny Harley. The chicken ties one end of rope to the back of the Harley and tosses the other end to his buddy. The horse manages to get a hold of the rope. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful motorcycle, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there IS a Moral!)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up a chick.
Off the chicken ran looking for help, but realized the farmer had gone to town on the tractor. Running around, the chicken sees the farmer's new Harley. He finds the keys in the ignition. The chicken speeds off (with rope) hoping he still has time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was happy to see the chicken arrive on a shiny Harley. The chicken ties one end of rope to the back of the Harley and tosses the other end to his buddy. The horse manages to get a hold of the rope. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful motorcycle, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there IS a Moral!)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up a chick.
Tick Warning
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.......
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.......
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted.
Out of Gas
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here.
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can
go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here.
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can
go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Her's is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Her's is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
The French Woman
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..."
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..."
Emergency Room Blonde
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to see if I could take my own life," the Blonde replied.
"I don't understand!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun under my chin, and I thought: I just paid $8,000.00 for my face and neck lift, I'm not shooting myself under my chin."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $4000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to see if I could take my own life," the Blonde replied.
"I don't understand!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun under my chin, and I thought: I just paid $8,000.00 for my face and neck lift, I'm not shooting myself under my chin."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $4000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Sunday Afternoon Quickie
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Michelle Cooper is standing on her balcony with a Popsicle too."
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Michelle Cooper is standing on her balcony with a Popsicle too."
Old Man
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The Chicken Farmer
The ticket agent at the theater window asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said marge. "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said marge. "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."
USGA Rule Changes
Here are the latest and greatest golf rules to be adopted
Colleagues: AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the Rules of Golf for seniors. Since you may qualify or soon will, these new rules directly affect you.
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
Colleagues: AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the Rules of Golf for seniors. Since you may qualify or soon will, these new rules directly affect you.
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
Pain...
Once upon a time, there was a married couple who went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But surprisingly, as the labor progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband appeared unaffected. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy 8 lb 14 oz baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic!
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But surprisingly, as the labor progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband appeared unaffected. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy 8 lb 14 oz baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic!
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
Who's Working Anyway?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to t store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to t store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
New Gang Scam
Watch out for this scam. Police are urging visitors to the city to be especially vigilant for a new gang operating a slick routine that is aimed at stealing from unwary persons. They say that the gang usually comprises four members. While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended??target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang of criminals sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through his or her pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.
The attached picture taken from CCTV operating in the inner city shows the gang in operation.
The attached picture taken from CCTV operating in the inner city shows the gang in operation.
Black Box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. automakers (GM and Ford) for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
First Time
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra, and at 80 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time andtraveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered
off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!
His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to
hearher story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra, and at 80 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time andtraveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered
off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!
His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to
hearher story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Beer Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. In extre me cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." M en are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. In extre me cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." M en are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Medicare
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Bears, Packers & Pope
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Bears jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Packers jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Bears fan from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in Packers jerseys beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Bears' and Packers' fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing...how's the bait holding up?"
A helpless man, wearing a Bears jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Packers jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Bears fan from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in Packers jerseys beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Bears' and Packers' fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing...how's the bait holding up?"
Golf Poem
In my hand I hold a ball....
White and dimpled, rather small....
Oh, how bland it does appear....
This harmless looking little sphere....
By its size I could not guess....
The awesome strength it does possess....
But since I fell beneath its spell....
I've wandered through the fires of hell....
My life has not been quite the same....
Since I chose to play this stupid game....
It rules my mind for hours on end...
A fortune it has made me spend...
It has made me swear and yell and cry....
I hate myself and want to die....
It promises a thing called par....
If I can hit straight and far....
To master such a tiny ball....
Should not be very hard at all ...
But my desires the ball refuses....
And does exactly like it chooses....
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....
And even disappears before my eyes....
Often it will take a whim....
To hit a tree or take a swim...
With miles of grass on which to land....
It finds a tiny patch of sand....
Then has me offering up my soul....
If only it would find the hole....
It's made me whimper like a pup....
And swear that I will give it up....
And take a drink to ease my sorrow....
But the ball knows.....
I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
White and dimpled, rather small....
Oh, how bland it does appear....
This harmless looking little sphere....
By its size I could not guess....
The awesome strength it does possess....
But since I fell beneath its spell....
I've wandered through the fires of hell....
My life has not been quite the same....
Since I chose to play this stupid game....
It rules my mind for hours on end...
A fortune it has made me spend...
It has made me swear and yell and cry....
I hate myself and want to die....
It promises a thing called par....
If I can hit straight and far....
To master such a tiny ball....
Should not be very hard at all ...
But my desires the ball refuses....
And does exactly like it chooses....
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....
And even disappears before my eyes....
Often it will take a whim....
To hit a tree or take a swim...
With miles of grass on which to land....
It finds a tiny patch of sand....
Then has me offering up my soul....
If only it would find the hole....
It's made me whimper like a pup....
And swear that I will give it up....
And take a drink to ease my sorrow....
But the ball knows.....
I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
City Cop
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
St. Peter's question
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
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